Things are heating up in America, with the Election between Hillary ‘Hilldog’ Clinton and Donald ‘Not a Duck’ Trump about to end with one of them being crowned (is this right?) President of the United States of America (USA in the common tongue).

This election feels too close to call at the moment, so I decided to look back at MY first election, and give Hillary and Donald the secret to my success (please STOP reading if you are not Hillary Clinton or Donald Trump).

 

*FOR THE EYES OF HILLARY CLINTON AND DONALD TRUMP ONLY*

Hi guys. Firstly, thanks for taking time out of this busy election year to listen to ‘Ben on Toast’ every weekday morning from 6:30am to 10am. It truly means a lot to me, and so I’ve decided to give something back to the both of you. Below, you will find the secret to how I won (yes, WON) my Primary School Election to become Class Representative for Year 2. I warn you, this method should only be used as a last resort, as it will cost you, but NOT using it will cost you (and that’s a definite) the election.

So there I was, a fresh faced Year 2 student in primary school, about 7 or 8 years old, and ready to win. I had the Eye of the Tiger (a gift from a friend who recently went travelling) and wanted to be class Representative more than anything in the world. I knew I had to win, but how? I admit I was never the brightest student in the class, nor had I the razor sharp tongue to take down my opponents in a debate. What was I to do? How could I possibly overcome the obstacles in front of me (I did a lot of my thinking during P.E.) and win this election?

Disneyland.

You read that right, (I presume Trump double checked). Disneyland was my key to success. It was a simple idea. Vote for me, and I would take the ENTIRE school on a trip to Disneyland by the end of the year. The prospect of meeting Mickey (Mouse) and Co. was an overwhelming promise. How could I follow this up? Where would I find the funds for such a luxurious trip on the school’s tight budget? Would I be tall enough to ride Space Mountain (NO). None of that mattered to me. All that I wanted was the power, the respect, the authority of being Class Representative (for Year 2). It was a bold shout. I knew I was risking it all here. But I announced, confidently and clearly to the class, that I, Benjamin Spreadable Holland, would take everyone to Disneyland by the end of the year, if they voted for me.

The voting began. The ballots opened. A nervous wait. Had I done enough?

Yes. I had.

I WON. An overwhelming sense of achievement overtook me. I shook hands. Crisp high fives all round. I’m pretty sure I also invented the peace sign when accepting my new title, but this is disputed. Needless, I had done it. Victory was mine.

Of course, I never ACTUALLY took the school to Disneyland. Such a trip would eat into precious learning time, and distract us all from the harsh reality of life. But this is my point, Hillary and Donald. People forget. You can promise them anything you want, just make sure you secure victory for yourself. Once in power, who cares what you said before! That was all just filler before the grand firework that is your victory! (Trump, I presume this is what you are already doing with your wall idea, which is quite frankly ridiculous and is never going to happen. I suggest back tracking, and promising a trip to Disneyland instead).

So there you go! The key to victory. People LOVE Disneyland, but especially love it when someone else promises to do all the boring booking and accommodation forms. If you both want to use this method, may I suggest one of you chooses Disneyland Paris, and the other Disneyland Florida. Thanks for your time, good luck in the coming weeks!

Side note: I did eventually go to Disneyland, not with the school but with my family. They were much better company, and quite frankly this also meant the lines to the rides weren’t nearly as long as they would have being if an entire school was there. Bliss.

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