Tuesday. 13th September. 2016. A warm late summers day. Britain has finally started to move on from Brexit, a word now cursed with more bad luck than Macbeth. The nation takes a sigh of relief. Everything is beginning to calm down, it’s safe to go outside again (with suncream), the worst is over.
The news breaks. ‘The Great British Bakeoff’, the show that increased biscuit sales by 582% (note:check this) will no longer be broadcast on the BBC after the current season, and has being brought by Channel 4! A mere 20 seconds after the announcement was made, riots in the street broke out. These riots, now dubbed the ‘Great British Breakdown’, have lasted an entire week, and only now has order finally (but not permanently) being restored. People don’t know how to cope. How will we enjoy the innuendos of Mel and Sue, the harsh but true reviews from Mary Berry or the majestic nature of Paul Hollywood’s goatee, with 3 advert breaks per show (MINIMUM)??!! Is this truly the end of Bakeoff as we know it?
But just like a Phoenix, through the ashes (or crumbs!) ((Joke of the Blog right there)) a new show will rise. A show like no other. A show so daring, so revolutionary, it will change the face of this world. The title? ‘Beyond Bakeoff: ThunderDough™’. But what channel shall this new, exciting , life-changing show be broadcast on?
All of them.
Yes, all of them. I propose a show that unites the four main channels on British television; BBC ONE, CHANNEL 4, ITV and CHANNEL 5, in a mass bake-off extravaganza. The format is the same as before; contestants compete to be crowned the winner of the bake-off. However, at the start, the bakers are split into 3 separate groups, the BBC group, the Channel 4 group, and the ITV group. They then go to there channels tent, which are all in the same field. Throughout the next couple of weeks, not only will our competitors be competing to be crowned the greatest baker (next to Tom), they will also be fighting for something else. To finally decide which TV channel is the best.
Take a moment to soak it all in folks, you are currently looking at television gold (not the channel).
Every week, at the same time slot, each channel will broadcast THERE version of Beyond Bakeoff: ThunderDough™, and viewers can decide which version they want to watch. Below, I’ve highlighted the key features of each channels show.
BBC – The BBC’s version is hosted by Mel and Sue, with innuendos up 30%. Whilst there are no ad breaks on the BBC version, the lack of contestants in the BBC tent means more time needs to be filled. Therefore, Mel and Sue will also solve mysteries, like ‘Sherlock’ or the more realistic ‘Scooby-Doo’. Each episode ends in a reveal of the culprit, who is a celebrity promoting there new book.
Channel 4 – Channel 4 is hosted by Davina McCall. The contestants are only allowed to use ingredients that no-one has heard of, make cakes that have being found in a cookbook from 1856, and have to successfully go on at least 2 blind dates every show, though they can only communicate with there eyes.
ITV – Hosted by Ant and Dec, once the contestants have entered the tent, they are not allowed to leave. Whilst baking, various bugs and animals are dropped onto them, and the tent is slowly filled with rising water. The contestants have to make sure none of the animals are harmed, whilst also making sure there souffle’s are perfectly risen.
Channel 5 – My personal favourite. Channel 5 is not actually part of the competition. Instead, Dominic Littlewood tracks down bakers across the UK that have wronged there customers, either by baking unsatisfactory goods, or failing to properly ice there cakes. Once he’s found them, Littlewood forces them to have a face-to-face chat, and warns viewers of Cowboy Bakers.
Hollywood and Berry still judge all the contestants, however, the winner also gets a bonus prize depending on the channel they represented. The BBC winner gets there own cookbook, and show that only lasts 3 episodes. The Channel 4 winner gets to marry there chosen blind date, and a guest editor spot in ‘The Guardian’. The ITV winner gets a record deal.
Hopefully, Beyond Bakeoff: ThunderDough™ will be on our TV screens in the next couple of months, as to miss an opportunity like this is quite frankly a crime against humanity and an insult to every British person.
Note: Whilst writing this post, news broke of the divorce of Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt. I tried my best, but I couldn’t fight back the tears, so please excuse any spelling mistakes or grammatical errors, as I was an absolute wreck.